The 2018 Stanley Cup Playoffs start in two days which means we have a couple days off to contemplate the team, hope that the injured become fully healed and ready to perform, and to read all sorts of media.
Dave Lozo is a freelance sports writer who mainly focuses on hockey for Vice Sports. At one time he was employed by the NHL to write for it’s website. Having read, listened to, and followed Lozo on Twitter, I can vaguely remember him on that website but can totally understand why this arrangement did not work out. For the record, I like Dave Lozo, think he’s more humorous than not and appreciate his knowledge and cynicism. This is the guy who devised the FIEGI method (Fuck it: Everyone Gets In) for managing the playoffs and improving the league. This time, Lozo has come up with something different that he’s guaranteed to be more correct than not.
This time Lozo has written about how each team is going to lose the Stanley Cup. He explains that back in his days at NHL.com, each writer had to come up with reasons why each team was or could win the ultimate prize in sports. That was far too positive and often a futile attempt to be excited about teams that were just going to fail. There’s no sense in gaslighting fanbases here, no pretense; if you search hard enough you can find reasons why even the Presidents’s Trophy winning Nashville Predators can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Yeah, I know that’s cliché but that’s essentially what they would be doing.
Here’s what he had to say about your Boston Bruins:
BOSTON BRUINS: The Bruins adding Rick Nash in an attempt to win a Stanley Cup is like your grandfather eating three burritos before racing Usain Bolt. You don’t know when and you don’t know how, but you know this will end with a massive pants-shitting. The NHL is as fast as it’s ever been and that’s why you love having a 73-year-old Zdeno Chara playing meaningful minutes over a two-month tournament. Chara is like your dad challenging you and your friends to a full-court basketball game. Ten minutes in and he’s bent over at center court after his team of office buddies go down 8-0 to you and your friends from science club.
Let’s not be overly sensitive here: Zdeno Chara is old but he’s also under appreciated so we’ll have the last laugh. And Rick Nash is pretty much unproven other than a small sample size of 10 games with the Bruins. Also, he’s kinda old, too. But this is not that bad. He said so many true and damning things about the Tampa Bay Lightning:
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING: Here’s a team that decided the best way to win a championship was to assemble a bunch of Rangers that never won a championship. If Dan Girardi got top-four minutes as the Rangers whiffed on every chance while their window was open, the Lightning had to get him. Stevie Y is a genius. This would be like assembling a dream team of lawyers to prosecute a serial killer and hiring Marcia Clark and Chris Darden to lead the way.
“Just do you what you did in the past, but for us. We think that will work out.”
“But we really blew it in the past.”
“Hardball, huh? Well, fine. We will overpay for you and jettison current employees to make this happen.”
I think that description is a little more damning and funny, of course.
Just a reminder, we have an NHL Bracket Challenge League set up for Bobby to Bergy and another for Bearly on Topic. Join one or both and let’s have some fun. Right now, it’s just for
brain riots bragging rights, but we might be able to come up with some trophy, maybe.