Morning Free Association: Two Days to Go

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The 2018 Stanley Cup Playoffs start in two days which means we have a couple days off to contemplate the team, hope that the injured become fully healed and ready to perform, and to read all sorts of media.

Dave Lozo is a freelance sports writer who mainly focuses on hockey for Vice Sports. At one time he was employed by the NHL to write for it’s website. Having read, listened to, and followed Lozo on Twitter, I can vaguely remember him on that website but can totally understand why this arrangement did not work out. For the record, I like Dave Lozo, think he’s more humorous than not and appreciate his knowledge and cynicism. This is the guy who devised the FIEGI method (Fuck it: Everyone Gets In) for managing the playoffs and improving the league. This time, Lozo has come up with something different that he’s guaranteed to be more correct than not.

This time Lozo has written about how each team is going to lose the Stanley Cup. He explains that back in his days at NHL.com, each writer had to come up with reasons why each team was or could win the ultimate prize in sports. That was far too positive and often a futile attempt to be excited about teams that were just going to fail. There’s no sense in gaslighting fanbases here, no pretense; if you search hard enough you can find reasons why even the Presidents’s Trophy winning Nashville Predators can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Yeah, I know that’s cliché but that’s essentially what they would be doing.

Here’s what he had to say about your Boston Bruins:

BOSTON BRUINS: The Bruins adding Rick Nash in an attempt to win a Stanley Cup is like your grandfather eating three burritos before racing Usain Bolt. You don’t know when and you don’t know how, but you know this will end with a massive pants-shitting. The NHL is as fast as it’s ever been and that’s why you love having a 73-year-old Zdeno Chara playing meaningful minutes over a two-month tournament. Chara is like your dad challenging you and your friends to a full-court basketball game. Ten minutes in and he’s bent over at center court after his team of office buddies go down 8-0 to you and your friends from science club.

Let’s not be overly sensitive here: Zdeno Chara is old but he’s also under appreciated so we’ll have the last laugh. And Rick Nash is pretty much unproven other than a small sample size of 10 games with the Bruins. Also, he’s kinda old, too. But this is not that bad. He said so many true and damning things about the Tampa Bay Lightning:

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING: Here’s a team that decided the best way to win a championship was to assemble a bunch of Rangers that never won a championship. If Dan Girardi got top-four minutes as the Rangers whiffed on every chance while their window was open, the Lightning had to get him. Stevie Y is a genius. This would be like assembling a dream team of lawyers to prosecute a serial killer and hiring Marcia Clark and Chris Darden to lead the way.

“Just do you what you did in the past, but for us. We think that will work out.”

“But we really blew it in the past.”

“Hardball, huh? Well, fine. We will overpay for you and jettison current employees to make this happen.”

I think that description is a little more damning and funny, of course.

Just a reminder, we have an NHL Bracket Challenge League set up for Bobby to Bergy and another for Bearly on Topic. Join one or both and let’s have some fun. Right now, it’s just for brain riots bragging rights, but we might be able to come up with some trophy, maybe.

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the german hammer

About the german hammer

Captain of Bearly on Topic.
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phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

Still no Riley Nash I guess

IntentionallyWidenberg
Admin
IntentionallyWidenberg

Rick Nash & Kuraly are good stuff. Very happy is me.

But Riley Nash is the straw that stirs the drink on the 3rd line. I’m really eager to see a fairly healthy Riley Nash in the lineup again.

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

Yeah, I think his absence has had a lot of impact on the team these last few games and I think he’s going be a big difference maker when he comes back.

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

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phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

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Satan 81's Sister
Editor
Satan 81's Sister

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phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

Mucho excitamento!

Satan 81's Sister
Editor
Satan 81's Sister

¡Si!
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Long-Winded Striped Mofo
Member
Long-Winded Striped Mofo

Speedy Gonzales! He’s a friend of my seester!

Long-Winded Striped Mofo
Member
Long-Winded Striped Mofo

Speedy Gonzales friend of EVERYBODIES seester!

Long-Winded Striped Mofo
Member
Long-Winded Striped Mofo

Damn it! The one time I wanted to be Anonymous.

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

hahahahahahahahahahaha

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

This made me laugh.

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

I may have some time on my hands tonight. Maybe I will write a (short) first round preview for each conference.

phonymahoney
Editor
phonymahoney

Good morning hockey pals!

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  • Gave Lozo his clicks and read the piece. I like him but I often think he’s more long-winded than funny because he tries too many jokes at once. However, when I read about Marcia Clark and Chris Darden, I almost peed myself. Of course, this could be the 90s kid in me talking. I remember coming home from school during ALL of 8th grade (and some of 9th) to my parents watching the OJ trial every single day. They also looked up words they didn’t know. I love my blue collar existence.
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  • I’m getting more confident about the playoffs. On the whole, the Bruins are more experienced at this thing than the Leafs are, and frankly, they’ve very much shown us that they’re never truly out of it this year. Literally anything can happen.
  • Mamma Mahoney had a great night and is doing well. She was also hilarious when I saw her because she’s a little silly from the meds. They had to take a look at their work so they sent us out of the room. We came back in and she said, “Did you see that doctor? So handsome, like an Italian movie star!” – he was reasonably good looking at best. I knew she was drugged because we have the same taste in men and he wasn’t anything special. So funny! They also told us she was the cutest person there and they wanted to keep her. No way, Jose! Anyway, she is staying there for one more night, we think.
  • I still think the first round is going to be a seven game series in the Bruins’ favor.
  • IntentionallyWidenberg
    Admin
    IntentionallyWidenberg

    Great to hear your mom is doing ok!

    I’m a little worried about the Bruins-Leafs. The Bruins *should* win that, but it really feels like an ‘anything can happen’ matchup. If they can get through the first round, I feel good about their chances in the 2nd.

    phonymahoney
    Editor
    phonymahoney

    Yeah, I was nervous Sunday night and yesterday. The more I think about it, though, if the Bruins stay in the game, they can (and are likely to) win. If they play full 60 minute games, I think they take the series.

    Long-Winded Striped Mofo
    Member
    Long-Winded Striped Mofo

    That’s a lot of ifs!

    Satan 81's Sister
    Editor
    Satan 81's Sister

    All the best to Mamma Mahoney!

    The London Bear
    Member
    The London Bear

    Hello!

    Just been writing my playoffs betting preview. Gone for the Caps (don’t laugh – they ARE due!) and Ducks (on basis that their odds are unrepresentative of their chance).

    Anyone can win it – I’ll be very disappointed if it’s the Pens though.

    Entered the same bracket in both leagues. I might tweak one of them…

    IntentionallyWidenberg
    Admin
    IntentionallyWidenberg

    I just realized that there are games starting tomorrow.
    I gotta get off my ass if I wanna get into a bracket pool

    Satan 81's Sister
    Editor
    Satan 81's Sister

    Oh, I need to remember to dive in as well.
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    Long-Winded Striped Mofo
    Member
    Long-Winded Striped Mofo

    Hey Pals!
    Two days to ponder. I had the thought last night that maybe Donato should sit.Things get rougher in the playoffs. At times Donato has reminded me of Pasta in his first year. All the skills are there, but “Where’s the beef?” He gets manhandled on the boards and he’s not playing center on this team right now. Then this morning I remembered that I don’t know shi t and am probably say off.
    Coffee!

    phonymahoney
    Editor
    phonymahoney

    I’m iffy on benching him – he did just fine in South Korea (I know the NHL was not in the Olympics). I don’t know.

    Long-Winded Striped Mofo
    Member
    Long-Winded Striped Mofo

    I have no idea!!!!